Should have took the blue pill..
Created Using Android’s Pic Paint
My dad taught me a lot of things. One of those things was to always read the instructions first. Considering how many instruction booklets are out there that could take an extremely long time to accomplish. However not all of us are ‘how you say’ mentally equipped to face the challenges that life throws at us.
I found myself in need of an extension cord. It happens to all of us. Sometimes we need power and we need it in another room. Or in my case I decided to buy a power drill and noticed a significant price difference between one ‘with a cord’ and a ‘cordless’ one. Actually it was a difference of about a hundred dollars. Had I known that the one ‘with’ a cord was shorter than my attention span (hey look a bird!) I would have opted for the cordless.
I was now in the market for an extension cord. (For those who don’t know what an extension cord is I suggest you turn about face and walk till your hat floats)
So in buying an extension cord I noticed it came with an instruction booklet? How could there be enough instructions on a cord that would require a whole booklet? (Well it was more of a tag)
Here’s how the booklet read.
1. “DANGER ELECTRICAL CORDS CAN BE HAZARDOUS”!!!
Pretty straight forward. I agree.
2. MISSUSE CAN RESULTS IN FIRE OR DEATH BY ELECTRICAL SHOCK.
3. PLEASE READ BOTH SIDES AND FOLLOW ALL DIRECTIONS.
Now for starters…both sides? The other side is in French. So really to follow the instructions for the extension cord properly i’ll need to learn another language, and French of all! How rude!?
4. CORD NOT MARKED FOR OUTDOOR USE IS TO BE USED INDOORS AND NOT OUTDOORS.
Yeah… picture that scenario. “Can I borrow an extension cord? I don’t know if you should take that outside? Is it an outdoor cord? We’ll let me just check that for ya! Get outta here fool!
5. DONOT USE IF DAMAGED!
Isn’t that why we have electrical tape? That’s what my dad showed me to do. You have a little slice in your cord you just wrap that sucker in electrical tape. Perfectly fine now.
6. LOOK FOR THE NUMBER OF WATTS ON APPLIANCES TO BE PLUGGED INTO THE CORD.
Huh? Could you pass me that extension cord I need to plug this thing in?
How many watts is it?
How many watts?
7. DONOT PLUG MORE THAN THE SPECIFIED NUMBER OF WATTS INTO ANY CORD.
Pretty much…don’t plug your jet fighter into the same thing you’re plugging your lamp into. I don’t know why you’d plug in a jet anyway…they use fuel. Stupid instructions.
8. DONOT RUN THROUGH DOORWAYS, HOLES IN THE CEILING, WALLS OR FLOORS.
So it can’t run through doorways, holes in ceiling, walls or floors? So what they are saying is they want this cord to float? Is what I’m led to believe here? Unless this part is just friendly advice and they don’t want us running through walls or ceilings. What am I Superman!!?
9. MAKE SURE APPLIANCE IS OFF THE FLOOR BEFORE CONNECTING THE CORD.
What if it’s a vacuum? I guess however that’s a good rule to follow people. When it comes to electrical knives, circular saws, and wood burning kits.
10. DONOT (there are a lot of those) USE EXCESSIVE FORCE TO CONNECT.
Kind of like dropkicking your laptop when you cannot get a good internet signal.
11. DONOT CONNECT A THREE PRONG PLUG TO A TWO HOLE CORD.
We’ve all done that! C’mon! You got a 3 prong and a 2 end. What do you do? You just turn the 3 prong upside down and stick it in the top.
12. KEEP AWAY FROM WATER.
13. DONOT USE WHEN WET.
14. KEEP CHILDREN AND PETS AWAY FROM CORD.
Usually it’s to plug in their shit! Well maybe just the kids? I can’t recall the last time I needed an extension cord for a dog or child. Except when either get out of line! Then it becomes more of a whip. Just kidding!!! I’d never whip an animal.
15. DONOT PLUG ONE CORD INTO ANOTHER CORD.
Now isn’t that kinda the point of an extension cord? To ‘extend’ something? What if you have 3 extension cords kicking around and none of them meet the required length that you need? You connect them to each other don’t you!
16. DONOT DRAG OR PLACE OBJECTS OVER THE CORD. DONOT WALK ON CORD.
Hell!! I’ve driven over the cord before!
17. AFTER USE, GRASP THE PLUG TO REMOVE FROM OUTLET
Really who follows that? It’s much easier to just gently and slowly tug until you finally yank it out and then one of the prongs is bent sideways. Then you just grip it and bend it back. Right!?
18. DONOT REMOVE THIS TAG.
I guess I should have read the instructions before I read the instructions.
The Avengers Review
by Paul Chiusolo
What can be said? It’s hard to find a starting point? Myself personally, I’ve been waiting for this movie for …ohhh…about 25 years. What kind of set of expectations are those? How does a movie live up to that kind of build up? To others it’s just another run of the mill Hollywood cash cow spawning toys, games and other popular money generating themes. But to those of us who Love our heroes. I mean really love them! It is in that special bond and brotherhood of books and mythology that this tale truly shines. As someone who considers themselves a “Marvel Aficionado” a fluent expert in Marvel lore. I found this movie not only exciting and hilarious to watch but it also rang true to a vast variety of marvel history. Now.. having a said that to truly appreciate this movie it is important to at least watch each heroes individual movie before you see it to truly appreciate the characters. I guess some people don’t realize that there is 50 years of character development and backstory. Anyway.. The long day awaited. My anticipation rekindled with the recent years of decent Marvel movies. My long time fears and dreads of a botched “group super hero flick” were soon put to rest. The movie fires up and does not stop. With a beautifully crafted story line by Joss Whedon and a plot that unfolds as some great grand fairy tale adventure that will last for ages. The film starts strong by establishing the plot fast and to the point right from the get go. Weaving a tapestry of sights and sounds to make any fan boys pallet water. Stay quick with those eyes and ears fan boys because there’s a plethora of inside jokes, ‘nods to’, and “Get outta here, there’s no way the average person will get that!” However don’t feel left out newbies. I’m glad you crawled out from under your rock and went to the movies, but let’s face it: if you’re seeing “The Avenger’s” in Theatre’s, you probably know a few things already about the characters and some minor history. Each character is introduced in what feels like a nice comfortable speed and yet still telling a great deal of story simultaneously. Each actor delivers a stellar performance and fantastically captures the feel and subtle nuances of the larger than life characters they portray. From Chris Evans delivery of a man from the forty’s plunked into our futuristic time period to the outright Madness and Savagery of the Hulks Monstrously frightening rampages (which there are several Hulk fans!!!) This star studded cast of Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Chis Hemsworth, Jerremy Renner, Cobie Smulders and Samuel Jackson, brings the great champions of marvel lore to life with such fun and enjoyment that you can see these people are having a ball filming these scenes. Each actor and character you meet from the start of the film to the end offer such an interesting variety that can’t be beat. The plot is handed to you on a platter from the get go and hurls you at lightning speed through its fantasmal adventure that makes you want to leap aboard this brilliant adventure and take you with it. But that is not why this film shines. It’s the sheer ‘fun and fan mix’ that is so delightful (that sounds like a delicious snack). From the inside jokes about “life model decoys” to unbelievable surprises in both character reveals to items and places contained in the marvel universe that even “I” needed reminding of. Robert Downey’s Portrayal of the multi billionaire philanthropist playboy Tony stark is hilarious as always but fortunately for the “dynamite script” It seems almost every character is delivering comedy gold. At a lot of moments it felt like watching a comedy. My friend and I lost count at how many little jokes were our favorite moments in the movie. Of course every good hero needs a villain and in this movies case the focal point villain is the silver tonged God Loki and several others which shall remain nameless. Born and raised by his families enemies. Loki is your classic jealous Villain with a serious “bigger brother” complex (well to be fair his brother is Thor the God of thunder. That’s a tough act to follow), Loki’s role is skillfully brought to life by actor Tom Hiddleston. Let’s just say there’s an “easy to medium trivia surprise” for you geeks like me out there. Stay to the end credits! Without giving anything away because I know how important it is to NOT spoil things for people, let me just say this word. Epic! Well done director Joss Whedon. This is clearly a man who understands character development and how to tell a story. The most important thing is the message. The movie teaches all the great things that attracted me to reading and comics in the first place: team work, friendship and learning to overcome adversity through trial. Brilliant!!! Well done. And Thank you!
A show about repossession.
How have the U.S. made a game show out of repossessing people’s possessions? I mean ok, Repo Wars was funny because the people repossessing said product were just as creepy as the people who hadn’t paid off their stuff, but this show is about ‘the man’ coming to repossess people’s items, and then giving them a chance to keep said item by guessing a few questions correctly.
I’ll give you an example of what I saw when I accidentally clicked on the show.
The scene opens just like any other repossession show (I can’t believe that sentence is actually possible to write). The People doing the repossessing are in their trucks describing the poor soul whose possession they are about to take. They then arrive and quickly jack up the vehicle, in this case a white suburban. The wife and family of seven come out and are naturally upset that their only means of transport is being towed away and broadcasted to the world.
What a perfect setting for entertainment!!!
The husband demands that the family get inside the truck as a vain attempt to keep their dignity. “I’ll just tow the truck and the whole damn family to my yard,” says the host.
Wow!!! Our game shows have come a long way since, “Jennifer come on down! You’re the next contestant!”
The children begin to cry. The host, “We can just tow your truck now, or you can play Repo Games.”
She thinks about it for a few seconds, probably contemplating how they found themselves in such financial debt, and this may be their only way
out. “Ok, let’s play,” she says. “OK! But get your family outta the truck first!” The family climb out of truck. The wife explains how this truck is how she takes care of her family, drive them to school, work, etc… What most families of 7 would need a truck for. He gives her a high-five on
being a mother of 7. Really?! A nice bit of tact by the host to alleviate pressure and to remind the audience that they are watching a game show–and not witnessing the demise of the human race!
The first question is, “The Rachel and Farah are both kinds of what?” She guesses incorrectly. “Alright raise it up!” They then jack the rear-end of the truck up slightly–classic game show move to build tension. Question #2, “What is the key ingredient in Rocky Mountain oysters and calf fries?” I’m not surprised a mother of 7 didn’t guess, “Calf testicles,” these are the type of things she should be learning when she’s too busy driving her children to school. Maybe there’s an All Testicle Network on satellite. They raise the truck a little higher. She begins to cry. The next two questions are significantly easier, I guess because she got the first two wrong, who wants to see an execution go by too fast? Isn’t it more satisfying pulling off a band-aid slowly?
Question #3 was, “Banks are normally closed on December 25th, on whose birthday is this?” Kind of a shot in the gut, asking a person who can’t pay their bills about the banks schedule. They lower the truck slightly after she says, “Jesus Christ.” Maybe she thought it was a good sign that she received a religious question. Probably not.
#4, “Who gets chased through a maze by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde?” Now, this question when the host read it, he altered it to make it easier, he added the words, “Coloured ghosts,” before he said the names. Definitely making the Pac-man answer more obvious. Ok!!! Now for the moment of truth–2 correct–2 incorrect…
C’mon Bitch!! Don’t you want to save the family truck? Don’t you realize half the people want you to fail?
And the other half aren’t watching at all…
Question #5, “What are two of the five most popular boy’s names?”
Are you serious? What the hell kind of question is that? God must really hate this family. Maybe instead of blessing this family with lots of children he should have given them easier questions, and the proper understanding of credit cards ‘strangling’ interest. How is that a question with one right answer? And depending on where you live, might change the outcome of that answer? What if the family comes from a part of the world where names have 8 consonants in a row?
She guesses Jordan and Michael. Michael is correct, Jordan is…………….. Wrong!! The correct answers were Jacob, Ethan, Alexander, and William. Ok? Jennifer begins to sob at her failure to save her families only mode of transportation. “Alright Jeff! She got it wrong! Take it away!” They tow away the truck! Things go quiet.
Never has a game show contestant been more devastated and inconsolable since that one-legged Parkinson patient missed the putt on the Price is Right. “This is the only vehicle we have!” she pleads, “You are leaving us with nothing! NOTHING!” She then storms into the house with a few muffled curses under her breath. I begin to well up a little. Hmm, this is an odd feeling after watching a game show. I thought game shows were supposed to be fun and entertaining? This was the most horrible show I’ve ever seen. I have never been more disgusted in television and TV networks! I actually felt a wave of nausea come over me as I tried to imagine the type of person who would find this entertaining. My worries were soon put to rest as I found out there is an audience for this show. There were a list of tweets and comments about the show saying how, “Funny the show was”, “How we laughed our asses off!” and how, “My car dealership should team up with [them] because we have some colourful customers!”
Wow… I weep for the future. We’ve become much uglier than I’d ever imagined. I had lots of clever quotes to end this blog, a joke maybe, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Let’s all take a step back at what we’ve become. This is not a society anymore if it’s gotten to the point where witnessing someone’s pain and grief have become a source of public entertainment. I already didn’t have the strongest feelings towards the Spike network, but this is too far! You should be ashamed of yourselves! One cannot even put into words the barbaric, nasty, and downright sleaziness of this kind of enter-whooaa. I almost wrote ‘entertainment.’
I really don’t know what this is…
“Ewww, you brought that book into the bathroom? Gross!! How could you do that? Hey everybody!! Let’s make a big deal and publically berate our fellow man for reading in the bathroom!”
What’s the big deal?
Let me breakdown the procedure for you… and I’ll try to be tactful.
You enter the bathroom and plunk your rear down after a hard day of dealing with insatiable customers and the gruelling experience of transit. You find it’s the perfect moment to see what happened in the world today, if Peter escaped the clutches of the Chameleon, or what new man Jennifer Anniston is considering having a baby with this week. You finish your, “digestive journey into mystery.” You place the book down onto the nearest surface. You reach for the bathroom tissue, or if you’re feeling particularly evil, proceed to use your friends ‘fancy’ Kleenex (It’s the Rolls Royce for your posterior).
Then you WASH YOUR HANDS AND PICK THE BOOK BACK UP!! At NO point does the reading material come into contact with human feces! So what are you worried about? Bathroom vapours? The person not washing their hands? The real question should be, why am I friends with someone who doesn’t wash their hands, and then comes back into the living room and puts their fingers into the chip bowl? For starters, people who don’t wash probably don’t read as well! (Other than the instructions on the conditioner bottle). Trust us; we don’t want to contaminate your reading material anymore than you do! We’re not sitting there thinking, “Hey! So and so spent their hard-earned cash to stock the bathroom with this library of current events. I’m really enjoying this magazine… it’s too bad I have to wipe my ass with it!
Relax people! The only thing happening in there is reading. We’re trying to increase our brain ability in order to have a tolerable conversation with you. So let’s take the time to be understanding and tolerant towards our washroom readers (and severely harsher to the ‘non-washers,’ you know who you are sicko), and not make a spectacle out of them when they come back out into the crowded party.
To be fair it was their wedding album…
In case you haven’t heard…
There’s a new treat on the market. A looming threat of the most cutting edge in technology. No! I’m not talking about the remake of Total Recall!
It’s salty and sweet threat… No! I’m not even talking about the city’s answer to cleaning up the streets with its ‘chocolate covered homeless’. (Eeewwww).
Last year it was the deep-fried butter. (The deep-fried butter was actually good although not worth a 45 min wait, and gave a human being the ability to defecate through a screen door. Damn you curiosity!!!) The deep-fried butter although disgusting in its conception (and when consumed, ensured no further calorie intake for the rest of the week) did make me walk away saying, “Well, at least I tried it.”
Having said that, we have a new champion! A HAMBURGER, but instead of buns, wait for it… Krispy Kream donuts!!
Good lord! That’s terrifying! I haven’t been that scared since I saw the third Spider-man. (What the Hell Sam Rami?! You should have saved venom for the fourth movie and given Toby Maguire his Penis back!)
Anyway, back to the donut that could cause a Wallmart greeter to say, “Oh my god, I’m full!” I can only hope that people with no self-control don’t find this delicious. Obesity could spring up overnight like Jack’s beanstalk. Only, the thin people will climb you and steal your golden goose! I may be getting carried away at this point…
It may actually be the very first hamburger that can cause a heart attack after the first bite! Diabetics would probably explode into a very fine “sugar-free” mist.
Shouldn’t we be inventing stuff like, oh, I don’t know… a chocolate bar that makes you constipated? How about a cake that’s made entirely out of weight loss pills? Or popcorn that fills you with self loathing? Do you think that people haven’t thought of this before? Of course they have! It’s just no one ever wanted to get that lonely and find themselves sitting around cooking a hamburger and deciding to book end it with a couple of donuts.
That is a sign to either finally come to terms with your problem, or sign up for lipo suction and make soap out of it. (With your local fight club!) Don’t give those with severe appearance deficits a chance to finally say, “Yes, we can! We can finally have donuts instead of bread and no one will judge me! Now help wheel me over to that picnic table!”
“Aww, but everyone else is eating it?”
I have an idea for the EX. Let’s just have a trough! A nice big metal trench where we can order whatever we want, it gets all nice and mixed together, and we can get on our hands and knees and really pig out the way nature intended. That’s where we are headed, a trough. A big, metal, meat and Oreo filled trough!
All I’m saying is, if we can take away those kinds of temptations then maybe we can slowly change people’s dietary habits and really do a favour for our friends. Instead of mixing hamburgers and donuts and descending into anarchy…
Later, I’ve gotta go enjoy a nice strawberry and tuna milkshake!
For resons, such as my possible firing, I will remain anonymous.
I’m just a fly on the wall listening to your complaints. It’s always the same at the start of the week. All the customers come in bright and early. They mainly come in for something that has caught their eye in the flyer. In this case, as always, it’s the water. It’s usually for around $2.98 for a 24 to 28 pack. I know that this is the main reason people come in, they tell me so.
“Excuse me Sir! Where is the water that’s on sale?” Of course I must reply with what I always say, “I’m sorry, I don’t work here. I’m the ******** guy.” This goes on and on all morning.
Every trip I make into the back room, I see the skids of water lined up in a row, and yet not out on the floor where the people need it. Why does this keep happening I wonder? Why have sales to draw people into the store and then not have the product available?
Well, the answer is simple. To get you in the door! They know that after the journey, parking, and getting to the water aisle, you’re not gonna walk away empty-handed, are you? Of course not, you’re already in the door! If you truly want service, go to the back of the store that leads to the stock room and harass the employees that are passing through that area! Force them to get off their lazy asses and get that product out!
So just be wary of those “stand out” sale items. They only keep so many of the products in question due to the limited space in the back. They will dangle that carrot in front of you till you end up coming back three times more and end up leaving with a bulk pack of high calorie beverages and another strap on flashlight for your dog.
Just be careful out there and be aware of those grocery store scams.