Category Archives: consumer health

Pic poke of the day

Pic poke of the day

Fear mongering… for kids

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Pic Poke of the day

Pic Poke of the day

Is it me or are the Americans looking even more portly?

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What do you do when an old nemesis returns?


This article is pretty straight forward and most likely applies to all people (If it doesn’t then lucky you).  What do you do when an old nemesis returns?  First off I use ‘nemesis’ loosely and it may boil down to a bully from high school, elementary, a friend you had a falling out with, someone you dated or someone who just did not see eye to eye with you?

What do you do now that time has passed?  Wounds healed?  Prides hurt?  Does the amount of time past matter?

It’s amazing to have all those feelings rush into you in the blink of an eye.  You go through many emotions rapidly and snap decisions.  After the fog clears you come to a decision.  Do I want this person in my life again, even if it’s on an impersonal, internet friendship with, once a year in-person meetings?

Unfortunately it differs from person to person and the “game of life” doesn’t come with an instruction manual. (Other than the actual “Game of Life”)

I guess the lesson I learned is everyone has their own journey to take.  When you’re on your own for good or worse you forget about the journey others are taking.

After what seemed like forever wrestling emotions (yet only moments passed) I’m willing to forgive and forget…. for now.

Life is too short for grudges and hanging or dwelling onto pain is only making things worse.  The longer you allow painful memories to haunt or hurt you then you’re letting them consume you.

I’m willing to give people second chances.

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Why is Canada Silent on the Gun debate?


We Canadians have a saying “guns don’t kill people Americans do”.

Over the growing debate on gun violence in America I’ve noticed that Canada has been very silent on the matter.  I know some may say that “we are not Americans so it’s not our problem.”  Actually to those people we ARE technically Americans!  We live on the continent of North America just like they do.  So why have we been so silent on this big issue?  I think our opinion should be viewed considering they are our next door neighbours.  What they do affects us.

Maybe if people saw that even though we are directly next door and have millions of guns in our backyard and are also a heavy gun country with a large hunting and sportsman history,  yet do not have a fraction of the gun violence and murders that they do every year.

Why can’t we see it from the Americans perspective?  They are a society that is heavily immersed in a “gun culture”.  That is something we all can agree on and this whole nonsense that is coming from the NRA that America has more violent video games and movies is just preposterous.  The rest of the world has violent games, movies and yet the number of gun related deaths cannot be compared.

So what’s the difference between Canada and the States?   For starters is that in America you can carry a firearm on you at pretty much all times.  My girlfriend learned this fact recently when she entered a Denny’s breakfast house and they were raffling away a gun with your breakfast!  She’s lived in both Canada and Europe and Asia and never experienced that before.  That’s really scary coming from a Canadian who’s never even seen a gun until my teens.  You cannot carry a handgun for protection in Canada.  However, if you need to move one, e.g., to a shooting range, you have to go to a police station and get a “Permit to Convey.” This allows you to move the gun at a certain time on a certain date from point A to B. If you are a member of a gun club, then you can get an open permit to convey that allows you to take the gun from where it is stored (usually at home) to the gun club. Both must be named on the permit, with addresses, etc. If you wanted to visit a different range, you would need a separate permit.
Handgun ownership in Canada is legal, but very difficult.  I think a gun license should be hard to get and easy to lose.

In the United States less than 1 percent of all gun applicants are denied.  Over 40 percent are purchased without a background check.

Is it that simple, stricter Gun laws?  I would say it’s a step in the right direction.  However I believe the United States are many years away from having even remotely similar gun laws as Canada does.

I’ve lived in this country for 30 years and only come across gun stores twice by accident.  You just don’t see them let alone being able to buy guns and ammo at a Wall-mart like in the USA for example.

So what do they do?  Well they are beginning with a ban on all assault style weapons.  Sounds like a good start considering the law was already in place for years until the Bush party let it expire in 1994.  This is going to be an uphill battle to get these guns re-banned outside of the military.  Especially since I’ve heard a few gun enthusiasts refer to the AR-15 as the ‘Lego gun’ comparing it to the child’s plastic brick toys due to their limitless customization, and people love their ability to customize.

It’s in this type of culture it’s very difficult to address the issue because to them it is normal.  To me as a non-gun owner it seems almost simian.

I have been watching the debates and incidents for many years and something I find that is so obvious I don’t know how anyone has not brought it up before?

Do you not see the real reason they want to hang onto their guns?  It’s not because they want to defend their homes against intruders or government.  To fight off the “red coats” as a recent moron pontificated.  It’s not even about the second amendment as many believe to be so.  The answer to all this is actually quite simple and Americans are afraid to admit it.

Guns are fun!!  Wait… what?? Did I just say that?  Yes I did!  Guns are fun!

I learned this as I entered my teens and my friend moved out into the country with a few friends and zero adult supervision.  This was the first time I fired a rifle and I’ll have to admit it was a hoot.  Lining up those pop cans from far away and picking them off, watching them flip and explode to the excitement of all around.  Even a few beers made it all the more exciting and increased danger.  I could get used to doing this every weekend.  Sadly this ended months later.  But I realized that guns are a form of entertainment.

I had never felt like this before.  I understand it; I’m not thrilled about it but understand it.  When I held that rifle for the first time I felt it.  That power.  Maybe the power over life and death, maybe danger as well but mainly I just felt the power.  This must be the underlying feeling shared by all Americans who regularly carry a firearm on their person.  I used to think as a little kid about how cool it would be to grow up and carry a gun.  I’d just be like an action star.  The reality is that life is not a movie.  As shocking a statement this will be to some Americans I say “Life is not the wild west either”!!!

I see and hear people like Peirce Morgan ask the question “Why do Americans need a weapon like the AR-15? You have your answer Peirce!  Guns are fun and the American public know that if their only excuse to own that gun is because it’s fun to shoot: then they are going to have them taken away.  Of course they have to push the 2nd amendment down your throat.

Yeah the 2nd amendment also says it needs to be updated every 20 years but you don’t hear them argue about that.

Why do they need weapons and ammo clips like that? They Don’t!

So what do we do?  We can’t take away their fun.  If I lived and grew up in America who knows maybe I would have been a kid who got into playing with guns instead of video games.  The difference is at the end of the day there is zero chance I’m going die while playing “Call of duty” as opposed to playing with real weapons.

My argument is that America needs to be slowly weaned off guns like a smoker with a Nicorette patch.  I would love to say “let’s make a guns that sound and shoot like real ones but non- lethal.  A gun that fires rounds that immobilize a human but doesn’t kill them (like a stun gun). So people wanting to defend themselves have no argument.  Would that suffice or do they need death as well?  I know they have rubber bullets but more advanced than that.

Canadians need to be more vocal about the gun violence happening across the border.  Maybe with some help from us we can sand out some of the rough edges to our friends to the south.  If you’re skeptical it’s simpler to look at statistics like this.

Deaths by guns in America in 2011: 12,664

Cross an imaginary line into a neighbouring country containing millions of guns with the difference of not being able to carry a gun on your person:

Deaths by guns in Canada in 2011: 598

I still believe 598 deaths are too high but when compared to the United States, the stats speak for themselves.

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Follow up to previous post about School shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.

First off I would again like to express my deepest sympathy towards the victims and families of the School shooting in Connecticut that took place a week ago today.  My heart again goes out.

As the facts and numbers have been coming in I have to make some adjustments to my previous post.

In the aftermath, the shooter Adam Lanza not his brother Ryan was the culprit in these tragic events.  They originally believed it to be the older brother because the younger (ADAM) used his brothers I.D to gain entrance to the school and is the reason for the confusion in the beginning.  I apologize to the brother Ryan for this mistake.

This is the first time I’ve ever reported on a “breaking news event” and now am aware the first response facts can be misconstrued.

Also there was 26 people killed including 20 children and 6 adult teachers on that fateful day at Sandy Hook.

It has been a very emotional week for everybody.  The sheer gravity of the situation is still very fresh and I cannot imagine what the families and people of Sandy Hook are going through.

Once again I can only weep and hope that changes will come soon to American gun laws.

As we have sat and watched events unfold for a week we have heard from mostly all sides about the gun law issue.

Out of all who spoke we were all awaiting a response from the NRA. (National Rifle Association)

Well they just responded a few minutes ago.  They stood up to the podium and talked.  They talked about a culprit responsible for these atrocities that have been occurring for far too long.  These atrocities being ‘mass shootings’ but in my opinion even if one person turns a gun onto another it is noteworthy and a horrible event.  They discussed a growing problem in America that is the source of these problems with gun violence in America.

That source… Video games?  Yes you heard me right.

Not the violence in the daily news, not the growing distance between the ‘have’s and the ‘have more’s’.  They blame video games for ‘transforming’ the youth of America into shooting each other.  So does that mean banning video games?  If so why not movies, and the news?

They are also calling for an armed guard in every school in America!  If that’s true what about the movie theatre in Aurora?  Do we need armed guards at the movies now?

Although I have my own views as do we all,  everyone is entitled to their opinions and you have to respect the other side of the argument.  Even if you disagree with it or don’t understand it you have to be able to sit back and at least listen to someones argument because when you think about it, in their heads they believe 100 percent that their suggestion is the correct corse of action.

Well I listened to what the NRA had to say today.

My opinion.. and maybe this is just because Im Canadian all I have to say in response is “What are you a bunch of fucking Idiots!!!

I know I’m going to get some serious fallout for this but Do you have any Idea how much the world despises the NRA?  You crazy war mongering bunch of inbred, brain-dead hicks!!!  How dare you blame anyone but yourselves!  If you really believed that More guns made a country safer than America would be one of the safest country’s in the world.  It is of course the EXACT opposite!!! 

They actually had the audacity to say “The only way to stop an armed bad guy is a good guy with a gun.”

It still boggles the mind that people “that stupid’ are actually in charge of things.  I wouldn’t let the head of the NRA water my plants.  Instead of watering my plants they would probably just shoot holes in the roof and wait for rain.

If you don’t believe me that guns only kill and never save, then just think about how many times on the news have you seen stories stating :

“Man saved group of people because of his gun’.

‘Group saved due to civilians carrying firearms’.

‘These bad guys could have killed us all but it’s a good thing we all had guns to protect ourselves’.

You know why you have never heard these stories?  Because they do not exist!!!  Get that through you thick heads!!!

The NRA is not even going to take some of the blame for these loose gun laws.  I cannot wait for the rest of the country and world to rise up and squash you like the hillbilly bugs that you are.  I’ve never seen a group of people as DEAF as the NRA.  Probably because all the members I see are like 100 years old.

It is good in a way that they are so unreasonable and inflexible as they are being because they are just ‘digging their own graves’ on this issue.

If it were up to me I would ban all guns with a few exceptions.

#1.  People who want to hunt, you get single bolt-action rifles and shotguns …That’s it!!  Even though people could be taught to shoot a bow.

#2.  Everything else banned including handguns.  There is absolutely zero need for any other kind of weapon including hand guns. ZERO REASON!!! No one is hunting moose with a hand gun or a group of quale with an assault rifle!

If you need to protect your self from an assailant that’s what a stun gun is for.

Other than special forces police and soldiers there is absolutely no reason for these other types of weapons to exist.

You still want to fire a gun.. fine!!  We still have gun ranges but all the weapons have to stay at the range.  You walk in, pick a gun, fire off some rounds, and leave.  You don’t need to take that gun home.

Why don’t we just find an island out in the ocean and everyone who wants unlimited gun laws and zero registration can all just live their together in complete chaos. Just all go live on some island somewhere and get your gun jollies off to your heart’s content.  We will all sit back from where we are and watch you destroy yourselves.

For my final thought today I will address the NRA and I can’t think of a better quote than Brad Pitts character in the movie “seven”

“Do you just sit around reading ‘guns and ammo’, masturbating in your own feces, and just sit up and say “wow”! its amazing just how fucking crazy I really am”!!!

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Massive shooting in Connecticut

They had their entire lives ahead of them.

I was hoping by this time of year to give you a cheerful blog.  Maybe a blog related to Christmas since its only 10 days away.  I mean.. We could all use a little laugh or a positive event now and again.

Unfortunately that day is not today.  As I turn on the Television to discover another mass shooting in the United States.  Yes try not to be too shocked as I was.  As events unfold it turns out a man (Ryan Lanza) walked into this Elementary school (Yes I did in fact write Elementary school) and proceed to shoot innocent and defenceless children.   Try to imagine that!  Where were you when you were in elementary school at grades kindergarten to grade 4 (ages 5-9)?  Imagine you sitting in your classroom at 9:00 am on a Friday.  Just counting the days until holidays off.  The class rooms most likely decorated for the holidays, the teacher awaiting their Friday workday to end as well and looking forward to the weekend.

Then a man enters the school.  I say man because I guess it’s the standard for someone over 18 but anyone who would do this is NOT A MAN but a child himself.  This man armed to the teeth then proceeds to open fire on these innocents both children and adults alike.

I cannot imagine what these little kids must have witnessed and to even try to imagine events unfolding is something I’m not prepared to do at this time.

After the police arrived and things became quiet the information has been coming in.  So far it has been confirmed that at least 27 people have been shot and killed and 18 of them are children.

The shooter himself took his own life and the parents of the missing children have been all placed into a nearby building and are awaiting the news of their kids.

It also turns out that the mother of the shooter was a teacher also and is confirmed dead.



What’s going on?  What the hell is our society becoming?  It’s just madness.  Utter utter madness!

When beautiful innocent kids, poor sweet little young-lings that have not yet had an opportunity to grow up and have a life of their own, are gunned down.  It can leave you without words.

Having your first kiss or graduation, to get your first job or go off to college, to have a family of your own.

These things will never come for these kids.

Please take a second to think about that…

I cannot imagine what the parents and families must be feeling at this moment.  All that I can think of is what now?  What happens now?

Does this just play out as it always does?  Media coverage for several days.  We learn the agonizing truth to the events that unfolded.  We learn the names of all who are lost?  We witness a funeral for those who are no longer with us and had their lives cut tragically short?

Then we move onto the next event?  Celebrity scandal?  Escalating events overseas?

Do we really want events like this to keep unfolding forever?  Can we not evoke change?  Is there no way to have preventative measures?  I guess we could blame the shooter?  However can we control what he did?  Of course not!  There’s no way to predict human behavior all the time.  We can only monitor so much.

I guess we could put extra security on schools now?

The enlightened know what the elephant in the room is.  The only solution that seems to be staring us in the face that we could actually do something about…Gun control!!  Or the sheer lack of it!

That’s all that can be truly confirmed!!  These horrific incidents that keep occurring are due to the easy access of guns.  How much longer are we going to keep hanging on to our precious guns?  How many more of these incidents like this one that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut have to happen before action is taken?

I can only hope that the President will finally see this as a wakeup call to the extreme gun reform that is needed.  I could write for hours on why do we need hand guns, why we need automatic weapons, blaa blaa on and on.

Cries that fall on deaf ears.  We’ve heard these arguments before, for a very long time and yet nothing is done.

I would like to close this blog with a message to the families of those who lost today.

My heart goes out to all those who lost loved ones today.  I cannot put myself in your place and today’s events shook me to my core.  This tragedy is being felt the world throughout and simply giving ones sympathy is nowhere near enough.  Some times it’s all we can do.  I hope this is one of those times where sympathy’s is not all that is done.  I hope that this event is the final smack across the face that America needs in order to set things right for future generations.  I hope that in the aftermath of these brutal killings of innocents that we may see much needed change in America’s gun control. I can only hope that this is the last we will see of events like today.

With a little hope and an incalculable amount of effort that dream may be possible …someday.

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Even extension cords need instructions.


Sorry Grandma, but I really need the inheritance.

My dad taught me a lot of things.  One of those things was to always read the instructions first.  Considering how many instruction booklets are out there that could take an extremely long time to accomplish.  However not all of us are ‘how you say’ mentally equipped to face the challenges that life throws at us.

I found myself in need of an extension cord.  It happens to all of us.   Sometimes we need power and we need it in another room.  Or in my case I decided to buy a power drill and noticed a significant price difference between one ‘with a cord’ and a ‘cordless’ one.  Actually it was a difference of about a hundred dollars.  Had I known that the one ‘with’ a cord was shorter than my attention span (hey look a bird!) I would have opted for the cordless.


I was now in the market for an extension cord.  (For those who don’t know what an extension cord is I suggest you turn about face and walk till your hat floats)

So in buying an extension cord I noticed it came with an instruction booklet?  How could there be enough instructions on a cord that would require a whole booklet?  (Well it was more of a tag)

Here’s how the booklet read.


Pretty straight forward.  I agree.


True dat!


Now for starters…both sides?  The other side is in French.  So really to follow the instructions for the extension cord properly i’ll need to learn another language, and French of all!  How rude!?


Yeah… picture that scenario.  “Can I borrow an extension cord?  I don’t know if you should take that outside?  Is it an outdoor cord?  We’ll let me just check that for ya!  Get outta here fool!


Isn’t that why we have electrical tape?  That’s what my dad showed me to do.  You have a little slice in your cord you just wrap that sucker in electrical tape.  Perfectly fine now.


Huh?  Could you pass me that extension cord I need to plug this thing in?

How many watts is it?


Yes Watt.


How many watts?



Pretty much…don’t plug your jet fighter into the same thing you’re plugging your lamp into.  I don’t know why you’d plug in a jet anyway…they use fuel.  Stupid instructions.


So it can’t run through doorways, holes in ceiling, walls or floors?  So what they are saying is they want this cord to float?  Is what I’m led to believe here?  Unless this part is just friendly advice and they don’t want us running through walls or ceilings.  What am I Superman!!?


What if it’s a vacuum?  I guess however that’s a good rule to follow people. When it comes to electrical knives, circular saws, and wood burning kits.

10.  DONOT (there are a lot of those) USE EXCESSIVE FORCE TO CONNECT.

Kind of like dropkicking your laptop when you cannot get a good internet signal.


We’ve all done that! C’mon!  You got a 3 prong and a 2 end.  What do you do?  You just turn the 3 prong upside down and stick it in the top.




…  Umm…Thanks?


Usually it’s to plug in their shit!  Well maybe just the kids?  I can’t recall the last time I needed an extension cord for a dog or child.  Except when either get out of line! Then it becomes more of a whip.  Just kidding!!!  I’d never whip an animal.


Now isn’t that kinda the point of an extension cord?  To ‘extend’ something?  What if you have 3 extension cords kicking around and none of them meet the required length that you need?  You connect them to each other don’t you!


Hell!!  I’ve driven over the cord before!


Really who follows that?  It’s much easier to just gently and slowly tug until you finally yank it out and then one of the prongs is bent sideways.  Then you just grip it and bend it back.  Right!?

And finally!!!



I guess I should have read the instructions before I read the instructions.

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The Pop-Tart Container

We’ve all seen them! Those plastic boxes hanging off the sides of the grocery shelves in another vain attempt to get us to buy something we do not need.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m describing a plastic box that is camouflaged as a Poptart and is a carrier of said Poptart. See photo below after you’ve crawled out of your cave…

For those who dont have it all.

Why do we need these?  Why???  Well apparently parents need to make sure that their child’s Poptarts survive their gruelling and violent journey in the school bag of destruction on its long quest from the cupboard to the lunch room.  Clearly this plastic device was not invented for breakfast. Of course not!

The Poptarts go from cupboard, to toaster, to your chubby little snot’s gullet.  It’s not meant for when the kid gets home, that’s when they get their Oreo’s and chocolate covered lard balls!–from the makers of I-Phone.  So by process of elimination the answer falls to… lunch.

My question is, not only are you agreeing to your child’s request of pumping their stomachs full of icing pastry at lunch time, when they should be consuming something that won’t ensure them a future of ridicule and heavy breathing, but how have they convinced you that their enjoyment of this breakfast treat is being diminished by the corners being snapped off?  Never have I once witnessed a child turning their noses up at a Poptart because the ‘ends’ with no icing have broken off!  Children everywhere spewing obscenities in frustration over their semi masticated sugar snacks!  How about some changes? Let’s stop stupid useless crap like this from being produced! Like those banana hammocks and devices that chop for us.  Learn to use a F%$#@&* knife people!  We have far too many of these ‘things’ that cost lots of money to produce and take up space we don’t have, to fill a need that’s already available.  We have something to protect our Poptarts… It’s called a lunchbox.

Our bananas don’t need hammocks! Shit, I don’t even have a hammock, but my friggen bananas need to relax? Let’s try to expand our skills and stop purchasing things to make life easier and easier…

One day when we stop having all these necessities.  We’re all gonna be useless, fat, children yearning for our Poptart containers.

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Helmets don’t save lives, they only mess up your hair!

Maybe if Humpty wasn’t so “cool” he’d still be alive?

The night, August 11th 2011. The walk, a 25 minute jaunt through the streets of Toronto. The bet between 2 people, people on bicycles wearing helmets VS no helmets.


I’m on the side of Helmet! (People have some sense right?)

So we began our little stroll, the weather was beautiful, people out and about. The perfect day to go see Planet of the Apes in Ultra X. (You like how I’m a big spender?) You’ll go ape over James Franco’s monkey!


After a few minutes of walking I was already losing 6 to 4. After another several minutes the gap starts to grow… It’s now 8 to 16 in favour of no helmets. Damn! Little further now, it’s 22 to 13, and no helmets is pulling away!

Come on people out there! Help me out! Don’t prove me wrong!

24 to 17! A pack of old dudes protecting their melons. 30 to 18 in favour of no helmets, not fair! It was like 5 Asian people on two bikes, and I’m not being racist, that actually happened! They did however look really destitute. It’s unfortunate we can’t share the wealth a little more and look out for our fellow human beings…  But that’s a topic for another day! We had to count them, even the babies…

As we drew closer to the theatre, I noticed a glaring coincidence. Almost every person wearing a helmet had looked like they put safety over fashion, if you know what I mean. I’m not saying the people with helmets dressed poorly or even cheaply, just function over fashion.

The people without helmets definitely looked cooler.  A lot of above average looking women with hair that did not want to be contained. Much too cool to have something like an awkward looking, “flight of the navigator,” shaped helmet on.

42 to 20, this isn’t going well. The men without helmets seemed to be of a, “check out my jeans and sandals,” combo coupled with either a shaved head with tattoos or the long scruff hair and “laid back” swagger of a guitarist.

Man they’re not wearing helmets, but these people are cool! I just know it!

As I see people walking to the bike racks I start cheating, “Do you have a helmet in that bag? No?” 43 to 20. Crap. What about you two? 45 to 20. Jeez!

I also noticed that people who had something to carry a helmet in (i.e. back pack or large bag of some sort) were wearing a helmet. Maybe that’s it? If you’ve got somewhere to put a helmet without carrying it around, then it’s worth it? Out of sight, out of mind. Plus you can hide that silver clam-shell from those who will ridicule.

“Nice helmet dude! You look like a tool.”, “Umm nice helmet Cindy… it really does wonders for your hair”, “Swell helmet… I hope you die,” and so on.

50 to 27, a few safety nuts with their elbow pads and flashing reflectors, what nerds.

The movies draw near. We’re at the end of the line and the tally is… 64 to 30!!! And the results are in… There are a lot of ‘cool’ people in Toronto!!!

Maybe we should start showing these cool, hip people on TV more, but show them having a good time and high-five-ing while wearing helmets. We need some more ads of hot women hitting on guys with bike helmets on, and ads of stylish women taking off their helmets and instantly having an orgasm! These types of subliminal images should be implicated when it comes to public safety.

I know they don’t look the best, but they could save your life?

You wouldn’t walk around as comfortable as you do with your expensive phone if you didn’t have that ‘shock absorbent’ case for it, would you? Why? Because you spent an ass-load on that damn phone so you can be as hip and trendy as everyone else. You drop and smash that $600 dollar phone and your shit outta luck! Too bad, you just lost some re-programmable phone numbers, a high score in brick breaker, and bookmarked websites to shameful pornography. Well your friggen skull is worth much more than $600 dollars!!!!!

Don’t put a price tag on your life! Wrap that big beautiful computer of yours in its own plastic case, cause remember, you can’t type in the links to that ‘shameful pornography’ without the aid of that super computer resting on those shoulders of yours!!!

Happy biking you un-cool tool!

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The Donutburger! Man’s newest stomach ache


 In case you haven’t heard

There’s a new treat on the market. A looming threat of the most cutting edge in technology. No! I’m not talking about the remake of Total Recall!

It’s salty and sweet threat… No! I’m not even talking about the city’s answer to cleaning up the streets with its ‘chocolate covered homeless’. (Eeewwww).

Last year it was the deep-fried butter. (The deep-fried butter was actually good although not worth a 45 min wait, and gave a human being the ability to defecate through a screen door. Damn you curiosity!!!) The deep-fried butter although disgusting in its conception (and when consumed, ensured no further calorie intake for the rest of the week) did make me walk away saying, “Well, at least I tried it.”

Having said that, we have a new champion! A HAMBURGER, but instead of buns, wait for it…  Krispy Kream donuts!!

Good lord! That’s terrifying! I haven’t been that scared since I saw the third Spider-man. (What the Hell Sam Rami?! You should have saved venom for the fourth movie and given Toby Maguire his Penis back!)

Anyway, back to the donut that could cause a Wallmart greeter to say, “Oh my god, I’m full!” I can only hope that people with no self-control don’t find this delicious. Obesity could spring up overnight like Jack’s beanstalk. Only, the thin people will climb you and steal your golden goose! I may be getting carried away at this point…

It may actually be the very first hamburger that can cause a heart attack after the first bite! Diabetics would probably explode into a very fine “sugar-free” mist.

Shouldn’t we be inventing stuff like, oh, I don’t know… a chocolate bar that makes you constipated? How about a cake that’s made entirely out of weight loss pills? Or popcorn that fills you with self loathing? Do you think that people haven’t thought of this before? Of course they have! It’s just no one ever wanted to get that lonely and find themselves sitting around cooking a hamburger and deciding to book end it with a couple of donuts.

That is a sign to either finally come to terms with your problem, or sign up for lipo suction and make soap out of it. (With your local fight club!) Don’t give those with severe appearance deficits a chance to finally say, “Yes, we can! We can finally have donuts instead of bread and no one will judge me! Now help wheel me over to that picnic table!”

“Aww, but everyone else is eating it?”

I have an idea for the EX. Let’s just have a trough! A nice big metal trench where we can order whatever we want, it gets all nice and mixed together, and we can get on our hands and knees and really pig out the way nature intended. That’s where we are headed, a trough. A big, metal, meat and Oreo filled trough!

All I’m saying is, if we can take away those kinds of temptations then maybe we can slowly change people’s dietary habits and really do a favour for our friends. Instead of mixing hamburgers and donuts and descending into anarchy…

Later, I’ve gotta go enjoy a nice strawberry and tuna milkshake!

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