Monthly Archives: August 2011

Repo Games? Never has Someone’s Poverty been so Hilarious

A show about repossession.

How have the U.S. made a game show out of repossessing people’s possessions? I mean ok, Repo Wars was funny because the people repossessing said product were just as creepy as the people who hadn’t paid off their stuff, but this show is about ‘the man’ coming to repossess people’s items, and then giving them a chance to keep said item by guessing a few questions correctly.

I’ll give you an example of what I saw when I accidentally clicked on the show.

The scene opens just like any other repossession show (I can’t believe that sentence is actually possible to write). The People doing the repossessing are in their trucks describing the poor soul whose possession they are about to take. They then arrive and quickly jack up the vehicle, in this case a white suburban. The wife and family of seven come out and are naturally upset that their only means of transport is being towed away and broadcasted to the world.

What a perfect setting for entertainment!!!

The husband demands that the family get inside the truck as a vain attempt to keep their dignity. “I’ll just tow the truck and the whole damn family to my yard,” says the host.

Wow!!! Our game shows have come a long way since, “Jennifer come on down! You’re the next contestant!”

The children begin to cry. The host, “We can just tow your truck now, or you can play Repo Games.”

She thinks about it for a few seconds, probably contemplating how they found themselves in such financial debt, and this may be their only way
out. “Ok, let’s play,” she says. “OK! But get your family outta the truck first!” The family climb out of truck. The wife explains how this truck is how she takes care of her family, drive them to school, work, etc… What most families of 7 would need a truck for. He gives her a high-five on
being a mother of 7. Really?! A nice bit of tact by the host to alleviate pressure and to remind the audience that they are watching a game show–and not witnessing the demise of the human race!

The first question is, “The Rachel and Farah are both kinds of what?” She guesses incorrectly. “Alright raise it up!” They then jack the  rear-end of the truck up slightly–classic game show move to build tension. Question #2, “What is the key ingredient in Rocky Mountain oysters and calf fries?” I’m not surprised a mother of 7 didn’t guess, “Calf testicles,” these are the type of things she should be learning when she’s too busy driving her children to school. Maybe there’s an All Testicle Network on satellite. They raise the truck a little higher. She begins to cry. The next two questions are significantly easier, I guess because she got the first two wrong, who wants to see an execution go by too fast? Isn’t it more satisfying pulling off a band-aid slowly?

Question #3 was, “Banks are normally closed on December 25th, on whose birthday is this?” Kind of a shot in the gut, asking a person who can’t pay their bills about the banks schedule. They lower the truck slightly after she says, “Jesus Christ.” Maybe she thought it was a good sign that she received a religious question. Probably not.

#4, “Who gets chased through a maze by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde?” Now, this question when the host read it, he altered it to make it easier, he added the words, “Coloured ghosts,” before he said the names. Definitely making the Pac-man answer more obvious. Ok!!! Now for the moment of truth–2 correct–2 incorrect…

C’mon Bitch!! Don’t you want to save the family truck? Don’t you realize half the people want you to fail?

And the other half aren’t watching at all…

Question #5, “What are two of the five most popular boy’s names?”

Are you serious? What the hell kind of question is that? God must really hate this family. Maybe instead of blessing this family with lots of children he should have given them easier questions, and the proper understanding of credit cards ‘strangling’ interest. How is that a question with one right answer? And depending on where you live, might change the outcome of that answer? What if the family comes from a part of the world where names have 8 consonants in a row?

Anyway!

She guesses Jordan and Michael. Michael is correct, Jordan is…………….. Wrong!! The correct answers were Jacob, Ethan, Alexander, and William. Ok? Jennifer begins to sob at her failure to save her families only mode of transportation. “Alright Jeff! She got it wrong! Take it away!” They tow away the truck! Things go quiet.

Never has a game show contestant been more devastated and inconsolable since that one-legged Parkinson patient missed the putt on the Price is Right. “This is the only vehicle we have!” she pleads, “You are leaving us with nothing! NOTHING!” She then storms into the house with a few muffled curses under her breath. I begin to well up a little. Hmm, this is an odd feeling after watching a game show. I thought game shows were supposed to be fun and entertaining? This was the most horrible show I’ve ever seen. I have never been more disgusted in television and TV networks! I actually felt a wave of nausea come over me as I tried to imagine the type of person who would find this entertaining. My worries were soon put to rest as I found out there is an audience for this show. There were a list of tweets and comments about the show saying how, “Funny  the show was”, “How we laughed our asses off!” and how, “My car dealership should team up with [them] because we have some colourful customers!”

Wow… I weep for the future. We’ve become much uglier than I’d ever imagined. I had lots of clever quotes to end this blog, a joke maybe, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Let’s all take a step back at what we’ve become. This is not a society anymore if it’s gotten to the point where  witnessing someone’s pain and grief have become a source of public entertainment. I already didn’t have the strongest feelings towards the Spike  network, but this is too far! You should be ashamed of yourselves! One cannot even put into words the barbaric, nasty, and downright sleaziness of this kind of enter-whooaa. I almost wrote ‘entertainment.’

I really don’t know what this is…

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Reading in the bathroom?! You disgust me Madame!

“Ewww, you brought that book into the bathroom? Gross!! How could you do that? Hey everybody!! Let’s make a big deal and publically berate our fellow man for reading in the bathroom!”

What’s the big deal?

Let me breakdown the procedure for you… and I’ll try to be tactful.

You enter the bathroom and plunk your rear down after a hard day of dealing with insatiable customers and the gruelling experience of transit. You find it’s the perfect moment to see what happened in the world today, if Peter escaped the clutches of the Chameleon, or what new man Jennifer Anniston is considering having a baby with this week. You finish your, “digestive journey into mystery.” You place the book down onto the nearest surface. You reach for the bathroom tissue, or if you’re feeling particularly evil, proceed to use your friends ‘fancy’ Kleenex (It’s the Rolls Royce for your posterior).

Then you WASH YOUR HANDS AND PICK THE BOOK BACK UP!! At NO point does the reading material come into contact with human feces! So what are you worried about? Bathroom vapours? The person not washing their hands? The real question should be, why am I friends with someone who doesn’t wash their hands, and then comes back into the living room and puts their fingers into the chip bowl? For starters, people who don’t wash probably don’t read as well! (Other than the instructions on the conditioner bottle). Trust us; we don’t want to contaminate your reading material anymore than you do! We’re not sitting there thinking, “Hey! So and so spent their hard-earned cash to stock the bathroom with this library of current events. I’m really enjoying this magazine… it’s too bad I have to wipe my ass with it!

Relax people! The only thing happening in there is reading. We’re trying to increase our brain ability in order to have a tolerable conversation with you. So let’s take the time to be understanding and tolerant towards our washroom readers (and severely harsher to the ‘non-washers,’ you know who you are sicko), and not make a spectacle out of them when they come back out into the crowded party.

To be fair it was their wedding album…

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The Pop-Tart Container

We’ve all seen them! Those plastic boxes hanging off the sides of the grocery shelves in another vain attempt to get us to buy something we do not need.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m describing a plastic box that is camouflaged as a Poptart and is a carrier of said Poptart. See photo below after you’ve crawled out of your cave…

For those who dont have it all.

Why do we need these?  Why???  Well apparently parents need to make sure that their child’s Poptarts survive their gruelling and violent journey in the school bag of destruction on its long quest from the cupboard to the lunch room.  Clearly this plastic device was not invented for breakfast. Of course not!

The Poptarts go from cupboard, to toaster, to your chubby little snot’s gullet.  It’s not meant for when the kid gets home, that’s when they get their Oreo’s and chocolate covered lard balls!–from the makers of I-Phone.  So by process of elimination the answer falls to… lunch.

My question is, not only are you agreeing to your child’s request of pumping their stomachs full of icing pastry at lunch time, when they should be consuming something that won’t ensure them a future of ridicule and heavy breathing, but how have they convinced you that their enjoyment of this breakfast treat is being diminished by the corners being snapped off?  Never have I once witnessed a child turning their noses up at a Poptart because the ‘ends’ with no icing have broken off!  Children everywhere spewing obscenities in frustration over their semi masticated sugar snacks!  How about some changes? Let’s stop stupid useless crap like this from being produced! Like those banana hammocks and devices that chop for us.  Learn to use a F%$#@&* knife people!  We have far too many of these ‘things’ that cost lots of money to produce and take up space we don’t have, to fill a need that’s already available.  We have something to protect our Poptarts… It’s called a lunchbox.

Our bananas don’t need hammocks! Shit, I don’t even have a hammock, but my friggen bananas need to relax? Let’s try to expand our skills and stop purchasing things to make life easier and easier…

One day when we stop having all these necessities.  We’re all gonna be useless, fat, children yearning for our Poptart containers.

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Helmets don’t save lives, they only mess up your hair!

Maybe if Humpty wasn’t so “cool” he’d still be alive?

The night, August 11th 2011. The walk, a 25 minute jaunt through the streets of Toronto. The bet between 2 people, people on bicycles wearing helmets VS no helmets.

Simple!

I’m on the side of Helmet! (People have some sense right?)

So we began our little stroll, the weather was beautiful, people out and about. The perfect day to go see Planet of the Apes in Ultra X. (You like how I’m a big spender?) You’ll go ape over James Franco’s monkey!

Anyway!

After a few minutes of walking I was already losing 6 to 4. After another several minutes the gap starts to grow… It’s now 8 to 16 in favour of no helmets. Damn! Little further now, it’s 22 to 13, and no helmets is pulling away!

Come on people out there! Help me out! Don’t prove me wrong!

24 to 17! A pack of old dudes protecting their melons. 30 to 18 in favour of no helmets, not fair! It was like 5 Asian people on two bikes, and I’m not being racist, that actually happened! They did however look really destitute. It’s unfortunate we can’t share the wealth a little more and look out for our fellow human beings…  But that’s a topic for another day! We had to count them, even the babies…

As we drew closer to the theatre, I noticed a glaring coincidence. Almost every person wearing a helmet had looked like they put safety over fashion, if you know what I mean. I’m not saying the people with helmets dressed poorly or even cheaply, just function over fashion.

The people without helmets definitely looked cooler.  A lot of above average looking women with hair that did not want to be contained. Much too cool to have something like an awkward looking, “flight of the navigator,” shaped helmet on.

42 to 20, this isn’t going well. The men without helmets seemed to be of a, “check out my jeans and sandals,” combo coupled with either a shaved head with tattoos or the long scruff hair and “laid back” swagger of a guitarist.

Man they’re not wearing helmets, but these people are cool! I just know it!

As I see people walking to the bike racks I start cheating, “Do you have a helmet in that bag? No?” 43 to 20. Crap. What about you two? 45 to 20. Jeez!

I also noticed that people who had something to carry a helmet in (i.e. back pack or large bag of some sort) were wearing a helmet. Maybe that’s it? If you’ve got somewhere to put a helmet without carrying it around, then it’s worth it? Out of sight, out of mind. Plus you can hide that silver clam-shell from those who will ridicule.

“Nice helmet dude! You look like a tool.”, “Umm nice helmet Cindy… it really does wonders for your hair”, “Swell helmet… I hope you die,” and so on.

50 to 27, a few safety nuts with their elbow pads and flashing reflectors, what nerds.

The movies draw near. We’re at the end of the line and the tally is… 64 to 30!!! And the results are in… There are a lot of ‘cool’ people in Toronto!!!

Maybe we should start showing these cool, hip people on TV more, but show them having a good time and high-five-ing while wearing helmets. We need some more ads of hot women hitting on guys with bike helmets on, and ads of stylish women taking off their helmets and instantly having an orgasm! These types of subliminal images should be implicated when it comes to public safety.

I know they don’t look the best, but they could save your life?

You wouldn’t walk around as comfortable as you do with your expensive phone if you didn’t have that ‘shock absorbent’ case for it, would you? Why? Because you spent an ass-load on that damn phone so you can be as hip and trendy as everyone else. You drop and smash that $600 dollar phone and your shit outta luck! Too bad, you just lost some re-programmable phone numbers, a high score in brick breaker, and bookmarked websites to shameful pornography. Well your friggen skull is worth much more than $600 dollars!!!!!

Don’t put a price tag on your life! Wrap that big beautiful computer of yours in its own plastic case, cause remember, you can’t type in the links to that ‘shameful pornography’ without the aid of that super computer resting on those shoulders of yours!!!

Happy biking you un-cool tool!

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Is the number 37 haunting you too?

The Number 37?

Is this number haunting you the way it has been haunting me? Maybe? Maybe you just haven’t noticed it following you yet?

Your first reaction is, “It’s just a number,” or, “This person sounds crazy.” Don’t be such a jerkI’m serious!

It all started years ago when I was young and came across a little known movie (well, to me anyway) called Clerks, written and directed by Kevin Smith. (Snoochie boochie’s!) I first noticed the number 37 when it was very distinctive in the scene where the character Dante is in an argument with his girlfriend about how many people they each have slept with. Dante claims to have bedded 12 maidens whereas his girlfriend staggers in with a showing of 3 dudes. (What a hoe!) But the plot thickens. Apparently, there is a bit of a dispute between them when Dante’s Girlfriend reveals to have given oral pleasure to 37 guys! (In a row??) Dante is number 37! …and he feels so nauseous.

Smith also secretly inserts it into his other movies. It’s just the start of this rollercoaster of a ride to the number 37 and all its mind-blowing coincidences! Really! Pay attention!! It’s everywhere!!!

Well, so is every other number you stupid bastard!

Halt your tongue you ignorant cur! I’m trying to welcome you into the inner circle of  “37!”

You won’t be a believer until you’re walking along and 37 comes right up and slaps you across the face. You won’t see it coming and the next thing you know you’re waiting for it, everyday.

It’s on the tip of everyone’s brain. It falls out of magazines, it’s written in skywriting. It’s secretly hidden in almost every movie! Watch for it! It just seems to be that number that stands out from the rest of the crowd.

It’s almost if when choosing a random number, there’s nothing random about it. We try to avoid ‘even‘ and ‘common‘ numbers and we end up arriving at 37 as our choice. Making it, in the end, common!

Everyone I’ve told this to has become, for lack of a better word, “infected!” It’s eerily creepy. You may laugh and mock now… just wait.

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The Donutburger! Man’s newest stomach ache

   

 In case you haven’t heard

There’s a new treat on the market. A looming threat of the most cutting edge in technology. No! I’m not talking about the remake of Total Recall!

It’s salty and sweet threat… No! I’m not even talking about the city’s answer to cleaning up the streets with its ‘chocolate covered homeless’. (Eeewwww).

Last year it was the deep-fried butter. (The deep-fried butter was actually good although not worth a 45 min wait, and gave a human being the ability to defecate through a screen door. Damn you curiosity!!!) The deep-fried butter although disgusting in its conception (and when consumed, ensured no further calorie intake for the rest of the week) did make me walk away saying, “Well, at least I tried it.”

Having said that, we have a new champion! A HAMBURGER, but instead of buns, wait for it…  Krispy Kream donuts!!

Good lord! That’s terrifying! I haven’t been that scared since I saw the third Spider-man. (What the Hell Sam Rami?! You should have saved venom for the fourth movie and given Toby Maguire his Penis back!)

Anyway, back to the donut that could cause a Wallmart greeter to say, “Oh my god, I’m full!” I can only hope that people with no self-control don’t find this delicious. Obesity could spring up overnight like Jack’s beanstalk. Only, the thin people will climb you and steal your golden goose! I may be getting carried away at this point…

It may actually be the very first hamburger that can cause a heart attack after the first bite! Diabetics would probably explode into a very fine “sugar-free” mist.

Shouldn’t we be inventing stuff like, oh, I don’t know… a chocolate bar that makes you constipated? How about a cake that’s made entirely out of weight loss pills? Or popcorn that fills you with self loathing? Do you think that people haven’t thought of this before? Of course they have! It’s just no one ever wanted to get that lonely and find themselves sitting around cooking a hamburger and deciding to book end it with a couple of donuts.

That is a sign to either finally come to terms with your problem, or sign up for lipo suction and make soap out of it. (With your local fight club!) Don’t give those with severe appearance deficits a chance to finally say, “Yes, we can! We can finally have donuts instead of bread and no one will judge me! Now help wheel me over to that picnic table!”

“Aww, but everyone else is eating it?”

I have an idea for the EX. Let’s just have a trough! A nice big metal trench where we can order whatever we want, it gets all nice and mixed together, and we can get on our hands and knees and really pig out the way nature intended. That’s where we are headed, a trough. A big, metal, meat and Oreo filled trough!

All I’m saying is, if we can take away those kinds of temptations then maybe we can slowly change people’s dietary habits and really do a favour for our friends. Instead of mixing hamburgers and donuts and descending into anarchy…

Later, I’ve gotta go enjoy a nice strawberry and tuna milkshake!

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The Perfect Salad!

ready to murder some vegetables?

The perfect salad!

Really?! Says who?

Well, I have the perfect salad for every meal! It’s delicious, healthy and simple! And eating vegetables will give you the strength of 10 invalids.

 Things you will need:

A lettuce of your choice

Two garlic cloves (Not bulbs)

Red onion

Tomatoes

Extra virgin olive oil

Balsamic vinegar

Salt & Pepper

Salad bowl  (duhhh…?)

Step 1.  Dice garlic.

Step 2. Slice tomatoes however you fancy!

Step 3. Slice a half in cut off of a decent sized red onion. For smaller red onions use more. Don’t use too much onion!!!

Step 4. Chop lettuce and add to bowl along with garlic, onions, and tomatoes.

Step 5. Add half tsp of salt and pepper. (Test yourself to your salty liking. If it’s not salty enough just add more. You can always add salt, but cannot take it away).

Step 6. Now add 1/8th of a cup of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. You might have to play around with these portions until you get it right, depending on your particular tastes.

Remember, start out with less and you can always add more.

There you go!

A simple, cheap, healthy, filling salad that’s perfect with pasta, sandwiches, steak, potatoes, what have you…

Enjoy!!!

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Do You Hate Your Job?

My benefits only cover what!!??

I can’t speak for everyone out there, but if you find yourself waking up in the morning and you’re not happy about going to work then you probably dislike your job.  If you find that after you awake you realize that you would rather scoop human feces with your bare hands than face another day at your job, then you probably hate your job.

Well, what do you do? Why else would anyone continue to do a job they hate? Money of course! We can’t afford the time to seek other employment that pays either more, or is significantly more amusing to us.

We need to take a step back and say, “Is this what I wanna do with my life?”

Someone once said to me that you should pick something you would do for free and make that your job.

Now when you read this don’t think of a job that pays you nothing, as in no money, nada, bupkiss.  You wouldn’t believe the confusion that causes. See it as, what is something I’d love to do with my time and would do it all the time if I could? It could be ANTHING!!  If you like watching movies or working on your car. Wow, that sounds like a self-help book.

Well, that’s all well and good, but is it practical?

I’ve been wrestling with that notion… How can I just quit my job without finding another one? How can I afford the change? How? What? When? AAhhhhhhh!!

Slooooow it down there chief. You have to slowly. Take steps out of your regular day to enjoy the things you love. I know we all can’t love our jobs, but maybe if we all take it easy on each other during our jobs, that would make everyone else’s day’s a little less of a pain in the arse.

Okay, after all that, I’m still stuck.

Fuck all this! If you hate your job then quit or do something about it! Life is short. Get out there and grab it and never let go. Unless your life involves grabbing poisonous snakes, then I suggest you let go.

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We May have found water on Mars

Water on Mars? Sounds delicious…

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap050401.html

Isn’t this a big enough of a deal in itself? Yes it may be true! We are still waiting for confirmation, but it looks like we have found still water under the surface of Mars. Still water=organisms=alien biology. Is it starting to click as to why this is a big deal?

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How to almost always win at clue

From the desk of a cheese omelet…

Mr.Green ,in the study… with Mrs White. Boing!!!

First off you’re asking yourself, “Is he mad? There’s no sure-fire way to win at the classic board game of clue!”

Well, after you read this article, you will find yourself in fewer situations where you’ve been bested and found wandering alone with your head in hands screaming, “Damn you Grandma!”

The process is quite simple.

Step 1. When dealt your opening hand you must have at least 1 character, 1 weapon, and 1 room card.  (Odds are in your favour that this will happen).

Step 2. When it comes to your turn and you have made it into your first room (To allow you to make your first guess. If I have to explain the rules of clue at this point, stand up walk into the nearest wall. Repeat.), make your first guess, but instead of choosing characters that are not in your hand, guess cards that are in your hand! Get it?! So if for example: your hand contains professor Plum and a wrench and you would like to know the room location, your guess would be professor Plum, with the wrench, in the conservatory.

Now, if none of the other players show you a card, you can automatically cross off all those options in one turn for that category. Because they obviously can’t show you the two cards you have.

Step 3. Now simply repeat the process only exchanging either the character or weapon. For example: professor Plum, with the rope, in the room card you are holding. So now the only card that can be showed to you is the weapon card.  If no one shows this one card …Boom!!!!!  Knock off the other 5 weapon choices.

If this process is done correctly, it is possible to win the game in 3 turns!

Enjoy this strategy my fellow clue lovers.

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